OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
