the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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