Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How drunk are you?
Completed.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
