So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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