last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
