and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
