I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
