I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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