I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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