This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
