It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
