I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
