Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it glows. i had to have it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
