Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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