I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
