He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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