Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
