i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
