wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
