Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
whose parrot is this?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
