I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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