my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
