new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Randomize
