I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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