either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
