I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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