It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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