I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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