at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I deserve this hangover.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
