I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
