That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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