If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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