Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
