I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
