I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
