also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
