I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
