Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
