3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
