I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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