I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
