I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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