Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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