Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
