Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
