Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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