totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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