His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
