life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
