walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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